Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her: How deep is your love? Me: 8 inches. 3 if you actually have a ruler with you.

   I can picture it now. Xi says in Chinese "look at this fat idiot attack that chocolate cake." And then the interpreter says in English "we agree that this meeting has been very useful".

   Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.

   I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.

   My doctor put me on a low sodium/no alcohol diet recently. I've lost 6 pounds so far... I also know joy weighs 6 pounds now.

   Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

   Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones... Hmmm,, You may NOT want in a phone that sets itself on fire,, to be water resistant guys.

   If your phone is autocorrecting kindergarten to Kardashian, the world is not wrong, it's your search habits.

   If God gave you a good singing voice, you should sing loud in church to give thanks. And if God gave you a not-so-good singing voice, you should sing loud in church to get back at Him.

   NASA announced that the Earth-like planets orbiting Trappist-1 already has about 300 Starbucks on them.

   I had lunch today with a chess player. I asked him to pass the salt and it took him 20 minutes.

   That moment when you hit the submit button and realize you just misspelled a word you went over 100x's with your 7 yr. olds spelling words.

   I'm allergic to photos of your cat.

   A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Then again, we'd eat less hot dogs if they were called "pig lips & horse nipple tubes".

   2 THINGS THAT DON'T MIX - Me and my ex

   There's no difference between instant maple & brown sugar oatmeal & an oatmeal & raisin cookie so screw the system, I'm eating the cookie.

   Casey #notguilty is like saying, I havn't eaten in the past week, when I ate a sandwitch 30 mins. ago..

   would be very surprised if some of my friends were missing tomorrow

   Ok , rapture already! Take me an leave Beiber, or vice versa, whatever !

   Feels sorry for the astronauts on the space station. If the world ends who will bring them supplies?