Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Taco Bell: You need to loosen up. Stools: OK!

   A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

   A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

   today I'll be celebrating MLK day...I'm going to sleep in late & have a dream

   Did I miss the Superbowl again? Darn that's like 20 years in a row.

   Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

   My account has hacked, but if you receive an inappropriate message, it was probably still me.

   direct deposit: $1400 me at Nike: you do it.

   I got bone spurs, that jingle jangle jingles.....

   Do Millennial kids just trick or treat online?

   My mother in law won "best decorated house" yesterday for Halloween?..she was only opening the curtains?

   My mother-in-law sent me the link to the site where you can buy a boarding pass to Mars. She even offered to pay for the ticket. That's so sweet of her.

   Word of the day: Ididarod - Monica Lewinski's autobiography.

   I don't see any way for the Eagles to beat the Patriots now that Glenn Frey passed away.

   The Tide commercials during the Superbowl were not a hit with older folks but the kids are them up

   my ex was so obsessed with her horoscope. its what Taurus apart.

   If you can't handle me at my [vomits] Then you don't deserve me at my [passes out]

   Morgan Freeman will be the narrator at his own trial.

   Did you know you don't need a parachute to skydive? You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice...

   A married couple in their 60's gets a vist from a fairy. Who says I will grant each of you a wish. The wife wish for a 2nd honey moon. Poof. Two tickets on a luxury cruse liner appear Husband I'd like my wife to be 30 years younger than me Poof he's 92