Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Was at the drug store and the kid in front of me was buying Magnum condoms. I gave him a thumbs up. He said "Impressed?" I said "I am impressed, that you bought those with a straight face".

   I don't do anything at 7am that doesn't involve Sleeping, Sex, or Bacon.

   Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn't!", he in fact did.

   I would walk over Legos for you.

   I just won my 143rd straight dance off against that Walmart greeter.

   Sometimes I hang up on people in the middle of my own sentance so they think I lost service...

   Okay...we've seen the 900 pics of your band. Now show us the the three people in your audience.

   Coming home drunk knocking things over and telling them to''shhhh!''

   Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their s hit..Problem solved.

   What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.

   Lawyer: "You've been released!" Aaron Hernandez: "Great, so I can go home?" Lawyer: "Shìt, sorry. I mean you've been released by the Pats."

   Everyone else's plans for pretty weekends: "I'm going to the lake" "I'm hanging at the pool" "We're going to the park for a picnic" And I'm just over here like "I'm gonna eat a waffle."

   Tip for Egypt's next president: get rid of Tahrir square.

   Married sext: I'll remember to bring my Tupperware home from work today.

   I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.

   in China they are reporting that weiner has lost the erection...

   I was having breakfast at a friend's house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."

   Never take financial advice from someone that has paid for a ringtone.

   i will never buy a foam finger again !

   I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.