Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Straight guy definitely understand consent when a gay guy tries to touch him.

   My wife texted me a selfie and asked if her dress made her look fat, I sai Noo it was autocorrected to Moo... I need help!

   I went to Disneyland once. It seemed like kind of a Mickey Mouse operation.

   A new study found that ESP could actually be real. I read about it in tomorrow’s paper.

   Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have teenagers. Then it becomes suspicious.

   People say “the early bird gets the worm.” But everyone freaks out when I drink tequila at 8am

   OK. What genius decided to call it a Corn Dog and not a Meat Twinkie?

   I have a very rigid exercise routine, involving daily jogs to the fridge to see what I have to eat.

   My wife is mad at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I *am* getting pretty tired of carrying it around all the time.

   There are some words you can't just take back, no matter how sorry you say you are.

   Some one really need to teach Facebook people the concept behind the saying, "If its not broken, don't fix it". The new NEWSFEED is just hideous. And now I cant filter sh!t that I hate.

   As a comedian, people don't care about you until you speak, then they like you. As a model it's the opposite.

   I'm trying not to judge, but your silver front teeth scream "Medi-Cal".

   I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

   Actually, officer,,, I prefer to think that PBR smells like me.

   I think I should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!

   They don't want to learn they just want to be right!

   im tired of arguing with myself.. I wish I would just stfu and mind my own business..

   I think everything my children have said for the past 48 hours has been in the form of a question. I'm living in Alex Trebek's nightmare.