Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I think about all that potatoes have done for me I get a little teary eyed

   when someone you thought looked great for 50 announces they’re 41 there is no way to unfurrow your brow in time

   Did you know that the sentence "Are you as bored as I am" can be read backwards and still makes sense?

   You know you are getting old when you look forward to going to bed before midnight, instead of staying up after.

   Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard Wife: *smirking* ok Me: *pulls out my game boy*

   When I was a kid we used to call Facebook soap operas.

   Not sure if I just watched the Superbowl or a three hour commercial?

   Cow farts come from the dairy air... I'll see myself out.

   If Ireland contributed to the Perseverance Mission, would that make it an Irish Rover?

   I drink Coca-Cola to help clean off all of the pennies in my stomach

   A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

   It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

   [first time at a rave] These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

   There was a time when I, you know, wouldn't go "down" there...I suggested my girl trim it into a dinosaur shape. That's how my parents got me to eat chicken.

   I heard a rumour Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary. It seems the last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth.

   Guy's if you want to do your own thing in the upcoming new year, get your wife/girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue for christmas.

   Thank god I don't have to hunt to eat, because I have no bloody clue where pizza lives.

   Chinese food to go: $16.80. Gas to go pick it up: $1.60. Getting home and realizing they forgot part of your order: Riceless.

   I got home tonight and my girlfriend had on this little slinky outfit. which only really worked when she went down stairs .

   Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.