Funny Status Messages

   That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

   Did you know that "Go hang a salami, Doc! Note; I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod. I’m a lasagna hog." is a palindrome? Now you do..

   There was a time when I, you know, wouldn't go "down" there...I suggested my girl trim it into a dinosaur shape. That's how my parents got me to eat chicken.

   I heard a rumour Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary. It seems the last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth.

   Guy's if you want to do your own thing in the upcoming new year, get your wife/girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue for christmas.

   Thank god I don't have to hunt to eat, because I have no bloody clue where pizza lives.

   Chinese food to go: $16.80. Gas to go pick it up: $1.60. Getting home and realizing they forgot part of your order: Riceless.

   I got home tonight and my girlfriend had on this little slinky outfit. which only really worked when she went down stairs .

   Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

   Sometimes I talked to myself because I need expert advice.

   I hope Mexico doesn't raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.

   Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

   Hey Dems, send Jill Stein your money. She's doing a recount of the Super Bowl.

   If I saved money as much as I saved porn , I'd be rich.

   Pandora's problem was that she didn't think outside the box.

   Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay? I just bid on a Mickey Mouse Outfit and now I'm 10 minutes away from owning the Dallas Cowboys.

   Ran into a guy who used to bully me back in elementary school who even after all these years still took my lunch money. But on a high point, even without asking he gave me extra ketchup at McDonald's.

   Should say in that religious book.. The Reason God created marriage.. So death wasn't so disappointing.

   Blocked someone for correcting my grammer and it feelded so good...

   Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying