Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eat chocolate pudding all the time, everywhere you go. Use chopsticks and a diaper as a bowl.

   If you take a family photo on Thanksgiving, make sure you position your girlfriend on the end. That way it's easy to Photoshop her out of the picture if you need to later. - Follow me for more holiday tips.

   Amy Schneider looks like the love child of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble.

   Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

   thinks running around a field whilst waving a metal pole in the air is way more exciting when lightning is involved

   No one likes a smartass. Especially another smartass. Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.

   enjoyed how Ben Roethlisberger decided he needed to look like Jesse James at his press conference!

   Would you like to go down for a midnight snack?

   I walked into my local newsagent and noticed he put a "NO READING IN THIS SHOP!" sign up. So I grabbed four bars of chocolate and said "Which one of these is a KitKat?"

   ...and thats when George Washington shot Hitler in the head.

   Liquor and Poker... Oh, Wait.. you wanted to drink and play cards... well now. Everybody knows where my mind was at."

   i said something that changed the atmosphere at a dinner party yesterday... I said I hope no body is allergic to nuts... because I like resting mine on the table

   I don't allow men to smoke in my room, but women can. Hell, they can barbecue a goat if they want.

   Be careful where you walk. You don't want to get cut on any broken dreams.

   loves waking up to a excited puppy at my bedroom door until I see her run off to the kitchen & realize that the only reason she is excited to see me is cause there is food on the counter & I sometimes give her my leftovers. Little BIOTCH.

   Don't you just hate it when you're in the express queue at the supermarket and the person in front of you has 15-20 items in their basket and you only have 2...

   I didn't get your call really means "I hate you, stop calling me."

   The reason guys don't have problems with underarm fat? We were born with shake weights already attached

   beer: the reason I get up every afternoon..

   Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.