Funny Status Messages
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Dear Netfix, Thanks for playing all these post apocalyptic pandemic movies where people get infected and eat each other helping lift my spirits knowing that things could always be worse! 
I’ve just been called weird by my son who won’t sleep without his giant 7 foot stuffed jalapeño right next to him
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
oh shiit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and I legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Security Guard: You can't bring outside food in here
Me: This is a service burrito
Just turned on an old Windows 7 machine that hasn’t been used in 10 years. “Installing update 1 of 97”
Sitting at the window with my dog watching people go by outside and barking at them
Life has to be about more than just solving problems
Whats the Canadian National Anthem again?
I guess alot of people woke up on the wrong side of the wall today
OK WHO NEEDS MOVING BOXES?
Who did you vote for?☐ Clinton ☐ Trump ☑ Vodka
An Asian in charge of Transportation? That's like putting a fox in charge of a hen house.
On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,
People act like they've never seen winter before. It happens every f'n year, ya know?
I feel a disturbance in the Force. RIP Carrie Fisher.
Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.
I feel an originality rush coming on. Think I'll make a dog face on Snapchat.
The Real valentine Holiday is 15Feb...when chocolate is 70% off!
Hate it when people text me "k" because I'm rarely in the mood to ever talk about potassium. 