Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it's bullsh!t.

   F*CK! I'm so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.

   I'm pretty sure that if more states had legalized marijuana, Twinkies would have been saved.

   When my teenage son needs a lesson in humility I take him to the grocery store and make him go in and buy toilet paper, tampons, Preparation H, Vagisil and anti-diarrhea medication and make him pay for it with change.

   I don't mind if you play hard to get, as long as you don't play hard to get rid of.

   When my Droid freezes I instinctively pull the battery out blow on it like a Nintendo game.

   Someone needs to invent a DVR that records dreams.

   Forget all of those bumper stickers that talk about Honor Roll Students. They are outdated. I want one that says "My kid's in high school and I'm not a grandpa."

   Facebook prank #23: Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on...

   I think that God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will never die.

   If she can string a sentence together while you are f*cking her, you're not doing it hard enough.

   I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up.

   I knew that the reality TV show Survivor was a sham the minute I noticed that the women still had smooth legs and arm pits after day 6.

   I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.

   I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?

   If you're going to walk a mile in my shoes, can you pick me up some booze on your way back?

   Wow you're really cute from far away. I think a long distance relationship could work.

   Regardless of whether or not I should know better, I thought we had already established that no, I do not.

   You know that feeling when you arrive at work in the morning excited for the new day, looking forward to new challenges? Me neither.

   "Just going on the computer to check one thing!" - Me, three hours ago.