Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just love waking up in the middle of the night to realize I still have time to sleep before work

   Sometimes I like to masturbate big words into my sentences, even if I don't know what they mean..

   Bleeched blonde hair, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man.

   1 in 5 relationships now start online. The other 4 will end online.

   Due to the highly confidential nature of my job, I am not allowed to know what I am doing.

   I still think Princess Fiona's wedding with Shrek was better.

   WTF are birds so amped up about at 5:30 in the morning?

   What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant girl all have in common? In each scenario there is a DUMBASS who did not take it out in time

   Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

   Shirley Temple, a wonderful example that making sex tapes, twerking, and going to re-hab are NOT necessary to make it in Hollywood. Classy is ALWAYS in style!!!

   Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those live forever.

   I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.

   Behind every great man is a great woman telling him he's not as great as he thinks he is.

   Molasses is surprisingly tasty,,,, However, I have to admit,,, I have never actually tried any other parts of a mole yet,,so,,,,,,

   It's so annoying when I'm about to take a great photo and somebody calls my camera.

   If love is a game..where can I buy the multiplayer-version?

   Grandma complained no one ever calls so I put a "How's My Driving?" bumper sticker on her car. The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.

   If you need a Facebook application to tell you what cereal you are, I'll save you the suspense... you're a Fruit Loop

   asks for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I will beat them to death!

   Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?