Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The owner of the local movie theatre passed away. His funeral will be at 2, 4:30, 7 and 10.

   I'm super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

   When I bite into a York peppermint patty,, I get the sensation,,,,,, That I should have bought a Reese's peanut butter cup...

   red meat is not bad for you. Green furry meat is....

   Knows you're getting old when you watch a porno and think "Oh that bed looks comfortable.".

   Health experts recommend 3 to 4 servings of fruit a day. So I wanna know exactly how many Coronas with limes is that gonna take?

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.Somebody is going to be wrong.

   After many attempts to drown my sorrows, I'm starting to fear they may have learned to swim.

   I can't undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

   Does anyone else mutter "righty tighty and lefty loosey" when tightening or unscrewing anything?

   Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a small lake. One yells to the other: "Hey, how do you get to the other side? The other one yells back: "You're already there!"

   I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

   Drinking doesn't make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them...

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there.

   A friend of mine just married a Chinese billionaire. Cha Ching

   I was thinking of donating to the sperm bank, they pay good money actually.. I can't believe how much money I've let slip through my fingers.

   Dear fourth grader on Facebook: How are you in a complicated relationship? What did they do? Steal your animal crackers?

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First lemme see the sandwich."

   Don't worry if you can't come up with a good Rapture joke. It's not the end of the world.

   You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.