Funny Status Messages
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SUSAN: You spent our entire life savings on dogs?? Me: They're golden retrievers, Susan... They retrieve gold,, I did it for us 
Rapunzel! Rapunzel!,, Let down your CVS receipt!........ *A modern fairy tale
A little song,,, a little dance,,, a little seltzer, down your pants. ....
The only reason I haven't taken a rifle up into a clock tower is the stairs.
Don't let the door hit your 'Man Bun' on the way out.
After discovering that Anthony Weiner got Hillary Clinton in trouble Bill Clinton breeze a sigh of relief because it's the first time his wiener hasn't gotten Hillary in trouble
not a single treat or treater walked behind my building and up 38 steps to my apartment....oh well, I guess that's 6 more cans of cream of mushroom soup for me!
If Hillary gets a pardon, General Petraeus , who Ive been hearing about everyday for the last 6 months better damn well get one too!
Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Bööber.
The week of the year when people buy gifts for people they don't wanna see, for a night they don't wanna go to, with money they don't have.
"You're not fat darling, it’s just that you’re… very easy to see."
Only serial killers pour milk before the cereal.
Q: Why does a dog lick himself? A: Because he can? .... No, because he can't make a fist.
Relationship status…just tried to reach for my cats paw & he pulled away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote
Daylight Saving(s) Time.Sheesh. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it eight months.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee* Therapist: You’re late again Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole” -Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.) 