Funny Status Messages
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If this weekend were any shorter it would be called a Kim Kardashian marriage. 
The couch just proposed to my buttocks.
About 73% of the time, I just make up percentages
Taking a Klondike Bar and a condom to the local beauty pagent... I'm eagerly waiting.
It's a thankless job, but apparently I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
I always try to keep a good Facebook profile picture of myself. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.
Does eating Tide Pods take skid marks out of underwear? Asking for a friend...
I guess I should watch the Grammys to see who our next President will be.
I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to hell.
The forest was shrinking yet trees kept voting for the AXE because its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.
I used to think women were the weaker sex until the first night my wife took all the bed covers
Ghosts be like "I'm evil, I've been here for hundreds of years and you should be terrified. And the best example of my fearsome power will be to close this door a little bit."
Whatever you do in this life, you should always give it 100 percent, unless you're donating blood.
Why is that when you apply for a loan at the bank the first thing you have to do is prove you don't need it?
Fun Fact: All the toilet paper in the NSA headquarters has the 4th Amendment printed on them.
My Great Great Great Grandfather Alex Would have turned 176 years old today. Please be aware of the dangers of Civil Wars.
Like my Pappy always said: If you're going to do something, do it rihgt.
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
Ladies, when I hit on you don't tell me that you're engaged. You're just currently booked. And bookings can be cancelled any time.
Just wait until people figure out that Native Americans would purchase and trade African slaves for use... 