Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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The best credit card rewards program is to avoid credit card debt. 
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.
Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.
Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".
Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn." Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"
If you don't smile and show everyone your teeth when you're eating Oreos then you're probably more mature than me.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.
Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds
That one sounded like a dirt bike with a bad muffler.
Maybe they could add a little pop-up saying "Are you sure? This action cannot be undone" before sending an important message like NUCLEAR MISSILE ALERT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE
It's kinda awkward when you are wiping away a girl's tears and accidentally her eyebrows too
So it is being reported that a Extensive Porn Stash was found in Bin Ladens compound. So this the "Treasure Trove" they spoke of!
A Lysol commercial just told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most.....uh oh, I think this is gonna burn....
Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonalds outfit none of them will even talk to me.
They say you can't outrun a charging bear. But really you don't have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun whoever you're with. That's why I only camp with slow people.
the answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not....Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Lol @ the dude buying condoms and getting his card declined. He just got c**k blocked by Visa.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment? 