Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.

   Have my doubts about this "smart water," considering how easily it's captured and bottled.

   Get in car, drive to library, park car, enter library, consult encyclopedia, get back in car, drive home. --How we Googled in the 1980's

   When I said make yourself at home I meant go wash my dishes.

   When did comedian Ron White turn into an old lesbian?

   I don't want to say I'm out of shape, but I can't even jog my memory without breaking a sweat.

   I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

   In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

   There's too many people out here who have the balls to state their opinion. But not enough balls to be that person who makes ish happen.

   "Mmmm. I like that. That smells nice. I'm gonna piss on it." - Dogs. And R. Kelly.

   Judging from the numerous semi-naked profile pics I come across on facebook, I would say the porn industry will never have to worry about shortage of labour.

   I gave up "Olympic Synchronized Swimming" for lent....This is gonna be tough!

   I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well

   Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco one more sec

   thought the iPad was for the iPod for Bostonians

   Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember

   our finger prints last forever on the people we touch

   Sometimes in order to see the light, you must blind yourself to bullsh*t

   The best part of being a pedestrian is walking over the hood of the car of the person who stopped right in the middle of a crosswalk.

   I just got a text saying... I'm Not The Girl Ur Mother Warned you About,,, Her Imagination Was Never This Good. Umm... you wanna come over?