Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's that little bit of you that secretly thinks you'll be famous some day.

   Heat wave....ts above 25 degrees for the 2nd straight day!!

   If we'd had texting 20 years ago, me and my buddies conversations would be pretty much the same as today...

   Just when I think I'm done being a fool, I see something else super shiny and stupid to do.

   Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.

   In the shower: 2% washing, 8% singing, 90% winning fake arguments.

   Admit it, you don't call Gatorade by it's flavors, you call it by it's colors.

   Ever accidently throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? Haha. I did this with my life.

   Customer Service: Upgrading your service? I can help you with that right away. Cancelling service? Let me transfer you to the department with a 70 minute wait time.

   I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I'm basically a golden retriever.

   I'm just going to put an "Out Of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

   People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.

   I tucked my kids in last night and said, "See you in the morning!" And then we laughed and laughed and laughed some more. Saw them 21 more times before sunrise.

   Always smile in the morning. It definitely makes people wonder what you did last night?!?!

   need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I went outside and stared at the ground for a little while.

   Reasons I Can Relate To Raccoons: 1) Dark circles around eyes. 2) Eats junk. 3) Small and chubby. 4) Stays up all night. 5) Cute but will fight you.

   I'm a huge fan of screaming "You're welcome" really loud when people don't say thank you...

   1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have 'lady problems' then start crying. It works even better for guys.

   Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount....