Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is full of possibilities and I have a strong feeling none of them are mine.

   Dolly Madison , you're on the bench ..... Little Debbie , suit up , you`re on .........

   someday i'll get that abacus. you can count on it

   Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public.

   Ask someone if they will watch your bike for you and dont leave. Just stand there and watch your bike with your new friend

   Remember when the History channel use to show history stuff? -MTV

   I'm a male so my hobbies include not listening when you talk to me and consistently forgetting birthdays and anniversaries.

   I'm not tall enough to ride my own emotional roller coaster.

   my date last night had something between her boobs I never expected to see there - her belly button

   Don't listen to your heart. It has no idea what's good for you.

   Silence is only golden when the person you really want to shut up does it.

   The way things are going in Washington, it probably won't be long until you'll have to get a permit just to shoot the breeze.

   Alphabet soup is just soup when you can't read

   Its not you, it's how you don't make me sandwiches.

   Some of my best relationships have been the ones I didn’t understand.

   Facebook is the most confusing dating site I have ever been on.

   LIKE if you’ve already broke one of your New Year’s Resolutions.

   You haven't seen rage until you've witnessed a woman rip another woman's wig off.

   Yoga pants make things hard on me.

   Just demolished another box of macaroni and cheese buy trying to "Push here to open".