Joser Funny Status Messages

   Hand over the calculator, friends don't let friends derive drunk.

   It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." I'm talking to you Twi-hards & Beliebers.

   Let's just call the iPhone what it really is: The Toilet Book Pro

   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

   Dear Physics, I don't want to solve your problems. I have my own thanks

   rejects your reality and substitute my own.

   I know what Cinco de Mayo is, I just don't know when it is.

   First, Alaska brought us Sarah Palin. Now, "smoked salmon flavored vodka." Can we get a restraining order against them?

   I would consider becoming Catholic if they made Batman Pope.

   Your Honor, please direct the witness to answer the question. I'll ask it once again. Why are you hitting yourself?

   It takes a real Phil Collins fan to name one of their children Sussudio. That child is destined to stutter.

   Giving this positive outlook thing the old college try. Which means I'll only try on Tuesdays and Thursdays after noon.

   Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

   Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear...

   The good news is, we destroyed the Ring. The bad news is, we disrupted a hemisphere's worth of air travel and two dozen national economies... our badd...

   I'm so confused, I thought the Crip Walk was a marathon for gang members

   always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

   I stopped drinking, but only when I sleep.

   just saw a commercial for the Hogwarts place at universal... so down to take shrooms and go, who's down?

   When the forecast mentions isolated thunderstorms, I always think, "Why so emo, thunderstorm?"