Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You look cute...in a National Geographic way.

   Some guy in the NBA came out as gay. Let’s all talk about this irrelevant sh*t for a week now.

   Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.

   The hardest part of gift buying is convincing yourself you don't deserve the gift more than the person you're buying it for.

   Irony: Putting Jodi Arias on suicide watch while she's facing the death penalty?

   After visiting a nursing home I always come home and pray I'm eaten by bears...

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.

   If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.

   The best part about working directly with the public is that you become fluent in moron.

   A giant spider just attacked the back of my neck and then quickly morphed back into my t-shirt tag!

   If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.

   Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you're an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.

   If you’re going to hire a moving company, make them all play Tetris first and choose the one who gets the highest score.

   12 years of school and I'm still not sure if it's “grey” or “gray”

   If I ever get mugged, I hope the thief is kind enough to let me Instagram how scared I look.

   The final Twilight movie and Lincoln both opened the same weekend. One is about a shameful, dark chapter in our history we hope never will be repeated. The other is about a president.

   If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.

   If you say the word "douche" fast and repetitively, it will sound like the beat of a techno song that some douche would definitely love.

   Nothing's more chaotic than when the Task Manager freezes too.

   I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.