Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For Sale: New Nunchucks. Will consider trading for a bag of ice and a new set of marbles.

   How come the week always lasts longer than the money you have?

   I am not defined by my past. I am prepared by it.

   does this "no fly zone" mean I can't use the trip to Libya I purchased from my Nigerian lottery winnings?

   The only reason I would want to see Donald Trump elected as president is so we could see what his hair does when he gets off of that big helicopter...

   pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.

   i love it when I get tailgated on a bumpy road and the driver behind me has no time to avoid the really big pothole that takes away his body kit.

   I think I'd probably just pay for a Klondike bar.

   People who don't know what they want should not use the drive thru!

   There are two types of people in the world: those who know how to handle stress and those who need bail money.

   Saying “I forgive you” is the kindest way to tell someone: “I still think it's your fault.”

   I still lie to my parents about drinking. I'm in my 30s.

   Facebook asks me what I'm thinking... Twitter asks what I'm doing... 4Square asks where I am. Conclusion: The internet is my girlfriend.

   You can't run from your problems forever. Eventually, you'll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.

   it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson's by 2011?

   Did you know 25% of car accidents in canada involve a moose.I say we don't let them drive

   Friends don't tag friends in hideous Facebook pictures.

   Thanks, confirmation email telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails. You just had to win didn't you?

   If people insist on acting like an idiot, I must insist on treating them like one.

   Next time the bank calls me to tell me I'm overdrawn, I'm gonna tell them, "We are aware of the situation and are working to repair it."