Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder how long I'd be on hold if my call wasn't important to them..

   Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for 8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her, 4.5 seconds if he is not, and 0.0 seconds if she's a C-cup or above

   Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?

   The "Reply All" button should be password protected.

   hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married

   There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

   Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.

   I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work

   Don't worry; it's only kinky the first time.

   Since Wikipedia is in blackout today, in protest of online anti-piracy laws, can anyone tell me where the G-Spot is?

   Guess I better get some sleep. I have to get up in 10 minutes.

   I don't always drive the speed limit. But when I do, there's drugs in my car.

   Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste. - I'm out bitc$es

   When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.

   It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it....That's Hollywood

   The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.

   Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, “It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home".

   I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say "Checkmate" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.

   "Have fun" is just a nicer phrase for "have a horrible time without me."

   When advertising your business on the side of your car it’s a good idea not to drive like a complete as&hole