Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused.

   I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.

   Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.

   When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.

   Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I'm getting tired of running and he's catching up to me

   Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.

   My teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests.

   Alright, who left the bag of idiots open..

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets

   You know shes a stalker . . . . or a serial killer, if you wake up at 3 'o clock in the morning and shes staring at you. . . in the dark. . . . .and says. . . "You know that I love you right?"

   Helmet strapped down, crayons sharpened, it's going to be a great day!

   running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.

   If you're playing with your X-Box all day, she'll break up with you and some dude will be playing with your ex's box all night.

   People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   Was in hospital waiting room and had sat on a newspaper that was on the chair. This guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" Didn't really know how to respond... So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again...

   I'm opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint. I really think my "Whites Only!" restaurant idea will be a hit!

   If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

   A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting's titty, not ok. Apparently.

   My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.