Truman Funny Status Messages

   It seems only yesterday, my dear old mum telling me to wash my food before eating it! A lovely woman, but terrible sandwiches!

   I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour De France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

   My wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as you when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass."

   Was kind of surprised at all the swearing when I unplugged the church organ to charge my phone?

   Because of Shania Twain I haven't been impressed much since 1997.

   If the B in LGTB stands for Bi doesn't that mean there are only two genders?

   I would pay so much money to watch the Harlem Globetrotters change a baby!

   It's not so much that I love karate as that I hate wooden - planks!

   Would it be legal to have a VERY loud duck-call in place of the more conventional car-horn..if it was operated in the same way?

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that you, read my jokes, like, William Shatner!

   The downside of fame! I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately being harassed and hounded by a waiter waving a bill?

   I'll bet people with Tourette's make awful anatomy teachers!!

   I went to view a house on a Native American reservation! "I like it" I said "Does it come with running water?" "Go to Hell Paleface" He replied.."Get your own wife!"

   If you don't have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

   "How about a scarf?" - Johnny Depp's stylist every day!

   I remember going to see Dr Hook in the 80s. Worst prostate exam ever!! 😲

   I can drive a woman wild with my tongue! I say..‘Have you put weight on?’

   I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and phones while they're at the beach?

   “Did you check your pockets?” - to a kangaroo who’s lost a child!

   Twerking and selfie have been officially added to the dictionary. Future and Optimism have been removed.