Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   While you're cheering for your favorite NFL team in a publicly funded stadium, how about publicly funding some disadvantaged child's school lunch?

   Whatever you got to do today, do it with the confidence of a 4yr old in a Batman cape.

   I need to stop talking to myself. I'm a bad influence.

   Procrastination really is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

   Did our government only admit to UFO's because we're going to start sending their planets money for aid?

   If you see me talking to myself, don't judge us. We're trying to talk ourselves out of doing something stupid.

   Did my taxes and discovered I still owe Ukraine $4000.

   I am positive that there isn't life on any other planets ! If there was Trudeau would have sent them money

   I always thought it was "Blew by you"

   I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His parents weren't too happy about it.

   I’m getting stronger with age. I can now lift $100 worth of groceries with one hand.

   If Joe Biden's economy is so good, why can't those student loans people pay back their own loans?

   When you die people cry and beg for you to come back. But when you do, there's the running and the screaming.

   I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

   Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of the 18th floor night club, was not a bouncer.

   I had a babysitter and she didnt watch me and I stick a pencil up my nose

   In an Ironically turn of events, Ford recalled 43,000 white Ford Broncos yesterday. OK I made up the white part.

   When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.

   Instead of a coffin, OJ will be buried in a white Ford Bronco, wearing black leather gloves.

   Wanna make a car dealer uncomfortable? Just say, "Tell me if you can hear this". Then get in the trunk and start screaming.