Haha Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I played the piano when I was a kid, my dog would howl. Eventually getting fed up with the dog's howling. My dad said for goodness sakes, can you play something the dog does't know.

   I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.

   Uranus, a town in Missouri has a news paper call The Uranus Examiner

   Wednesday is known as "hump day". But to my dog, everyday is hump day.

   Alcohol doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean..... Against the walls, tables, chairs ect ect

   You know you're really not liked at your job, when they relocate and don't tell you where.

   Consciousness is the nightmare before sleep.

   Bachelor is a guy who will never find out how many faults he has.

   Dictionary the only place where divorce comes before marriage.

   Japan has built humanoid robots to do construction work. The robots are so human like that they have three reports of sexual harassment.

   I never knew that tanning beds had a pumpkin spice setting.

   Before I was born, I was given a choice between a big di*k, or a good memory. I don't remember what one I chose.

   Just got my E-Harmony results. They match me with a computer, a chair, and a bottle of lotion.

   Maybe people would be more concerned about saving the planet if chocolate and coffee were on the endangered list.

   My girlfriend cured me of my constipation by telling me she thought she was pregnant.

   ... Not all fairy tales start with "Once upon a time." Some start with "If I am elected president."

   .. HIJKLMNO is the chemical formula for water, right? ...... H to O

   Every time I feel like saying something I shouldn't . I ask my self, what would the president do? Then I go head and say it.

   I didn't get the president's alert test tex, but I did get a tex, two big macs, fish filet, large fry, large diet coke.

   I'm trying to get my MIL to go ice fishing before the ice get too thick.