Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have good news I passed my Stress Test the other day....I guess that means I officially have Stress !!!!

   Has anyone else considered the romantic possibilities of nachos and naps?

   Dateline's Keith Morrison can now be your GPS voice, which is awesome unless you put in a middle school in your GPS device...then instantly become a part of to Catch a Preditor.

   Flu stages: Day one, feel like dying. Day two: Afraid I'm dying. Day three: Afraid I'm not dying...

   How to annoy your friend: No matter what they say, you say ~ “That’s not what you said last night” (followed by a saucy wink) Keep it going until they crack.

   “Buy one get one free” deals are an attempt by retailers to manipulate your shopping habits. Demonstrate your superior willpower by purchasing five.

   I know I said you were dead to me, but that was before I needed a ride to the airport.

   My dog thinks that I like walking her again. My fit bit thinks I'm setting new goals. I'm really looking for pokemon."

   There's no I in team due in large part to my utter lack of athletic ability.

   As a Millenial I find my life is now full of much more meaning now that I have Pokemon Go!

   There are now a lot of confused and frustrated kids out there that are frantically trying to take selfies with their newly found Pokemon Go characters.

   Loving this new Hula-Hoop app

   Kat Denning's b00bs are the life preservers which save 2 Broke Girls.

   Local Japanese-American cultural center begins charging $28 admission when Rare Holographic Mewtwo found in WWII exhibit...

   so apparently being " A Kid At Heart" does not apply when it comes to Pokemon go. Pshh...Please. I'm a grown A** Man. now where did I leave my Xbox contoller

   A great trick to play is after a long and intimate texts with your girlfriend, end with "Who is this?"

   Minor Daily Wins: I was 5 minutes late for work today, but my boss was 15 minutes late....so I was 10 minutes early to work.

   Does anyone else think "Master of Fine Arts" sounds sarcastic?

   I went to to gym today. Next week I'm going to get out of my car....

   Picture a gang of criminals scanning an area for Pokemon before deciding to dump a body.