Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Half the world is made up of people with something to say but can't & the other half is made up of people with nothing to say but keep on saying it anyway.'

   I'm so old I can honestly say I've been there and done that. Just cant remember where and when that was?

   It's snowing! And I think I'll go outside now for 30 seconds to take a selfie so all my Facebook friends can see how much I love the snow.

   Every time I drive up to my new tax guy's office, he says the same thing. "You weren't tailed, were you?"

   Whelp I think I stocked up on enough coffee to hold me over for the next 3 years, but does anyone have a little milk for it I can borrow?

   Funny how by doing the responsible thing by staying home the more homeless you look.

   I built my entire itch-cream business from scratch.

   If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

   day 1 of quarantine: I have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

   I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers come with a Fold cycle? It's 2020 for Chrissake.

   I only watch p.orn on 13 inch tv's. I feel better about myself.

   There's a reason Jesus didn't turn water into whiskey

   Not everybody has to like me, I cant force you to have a good taste!

   I'm going to give up paying for UFC and boxing, I can just tune in for free and watch the riots every weekend.

   Why are you just now "Feeling Determined"?

   Another good feeling. Waking up and realizing that it's sunday and not monday morning. AAAAAH......zzzzzzz.

   Whoever claims they invented goat yoga stole the idea from Wyoming sheep ranchers. Okay, maybe they didn't use yoga mats but they beat you to the punch boys.

   "No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious." -George Bernard Shaw

   Original jokes are like girlfriends. I don't have one.