Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter what happens in life, NEVER give up on my dreams. That is why I sleep till noon.

   From Cuddly to Stabby in 60 seconds. - a memoir

   I'm impressed. Someone went to a lot of trouble to turn this Waffle House into a Waffle Home.

   If your wife asks you if you have plans for the day, there is a good chance your plans will soon be over-ruled by what she had planned or she wants to be part of your plan

   If you want to know how we found out stuff before we had the internet then just google it.

   Ever wake up, look in the mirror, and wonder why Courtney Love is in your bathroom?

   I don’t remember the last time I knew what I was doing.

   The First Rule of Menopause Club: We don't talk PERIOD.

   Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

   Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

   If my next of kin takes a nap.. Can I call him Napkin?

   While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

   I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.

   Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it? I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don't remember eating skittles.

   Whenever I’m pissed off at my wife I turn all of the shampoo bottles right side up in the shower.

   Math professor: today we're doing geometry Me: *falls asleep* [20 years later] Occult leader: set up a pentagram of salt Me: a what now

   My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”. Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

   Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most. Husband: No, it's because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

   COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

   People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges