Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: *goes for midnight jog* My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

   7 years ago today I swallowed gum..... and now we wait

   My horoscope today just said "NOPE"

   Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

   Gf: You've never even smiled at me since we started dating! Bf: I thought you said you wanted a serious relationship...

   concierge: the lift is broken sir I think your friend has taken the stairs me: when's he bringing them back?

   Me: *Eating eggs* Fertility Doctor: That's disgusting

   The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

   Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures. I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

   Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.

   Why is it that only when you fart silently is when somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or rather sits behind you?

   I see house flies in the house...horse flies near horses...so why do I never see dragon flies on episodes of Game of Thrones?

   One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves

   RelationSHIPS sink when they have too many passengers

   We really do need a rating system for movies so children won't be influenced by watching the wrong movies.

   Being single is like "Do you want to eat this? We're just going to throw it away." (...Wow, thanks. I feel so special!)

   Mind if I borrow that bikini top? I haven't flossed today.

   My life is stitched together with vices.

   To keep the kids occupied all day on Easter, only hide 3 eggs for the Earter egg hunt.

   Checking your phone when someone pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation