Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love something set it free because you’re intolerable and love is a prison

   Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.

   I can act my age just fine… until you say ~ hormone

   Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.

   I tried to make whoopee to the entire orchestra but I only got to second bass.

   Just sort of hoping for accidental success at this point.

   Listening to The Police on Pandora. ...."I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day." ... Dude, I'm fairly certain that will creep her out. (Just sayin'.)

   My memory is so bad that.............

   Careful! That's my only VHS copy of "The Money Pit".

   A movie about dating a person in their 20s would be called 2 Fast 2 Curious.

   You know you're getting old when you use the word "thingy" because you can't remember what things are called.

   I could probably sleep my way to the top....if sleeping actually had anything to do with it that is to say.

   The guy in charge of running the election (kemp) in Georgia is also running in the Georgia election. Mmmm I wonder who will win ?

   Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish. Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

   I finally finished my 2017 Thanksgiving leftovers. And in 22 days, it starts all over again.

   My husband knew he couldn't scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

   My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

   Aggravation: Trying to get a vending machine to take a wrinkled dollar bill.

   I think some of my friends are completely irrational and make bad decisions, and we should hang out more.

   In Greek mythology, Athena kept an owl on her blindside so she could always see the whole truth. I knew I was missing something.