Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My signature move is to bottle up my feelings over time and then combust over some small issue and get accused of being a psycho.

   where's the CTRL, ALT and DELETE buttons on life?

   The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

   TIP: Make sure the other person has their hand up before you attempt a fist bump.

   Yesterday at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History Security was all over the area... They patted me up and down a couple of times... They frisked me, I was even groped. Then I got back in line.

   Never underestimate an underachiever. We're capable of less than you think.

   I'm doing a marathon today! 14 hours of Law & Order SVU!!!

   "I have explosive diarrhea" can pretty much get you out of any social commitment.

   I never had a near death experience. But I did once take a cab through Manhattan during rush hour.

   Not many people take kindly to me. I really like those kinds of people.

   It's bad manners to ask someone how many people they've murdered.

   Working out in my basement. So far, no one has hit on me.

   You're only as attractive as getting your photo taken in the middle of a yawn.

   The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but it sure gets your hands clean.

   There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

   I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.

   New England Patriots QB Cam Newton tested positive for Covid. Next game postponed, yet still find a way to win.

   *checks real estate listings on other planets*

   If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast. *sets alarm for 6:30*

   Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.