Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I miss the 90s when grunge rock made bedhead cool and fashionable.

   The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

   Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark? Me: party?

   Her: What sign are you most compatible with? Me: Krispy Kreme's hot and ready sign.

   With my luck, I'll be reincarnated as me again...

   She is like a low profile tire, sexy, but gonna cost you a bunch of money.

   Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign? Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

   Whoever said "Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today" knew how to log out of facebook.

   Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

   Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

   Pin Up Boards - A good reminder to let you know you're getting old or that you have too much Sh*t going on in your life that you need to remember!!!

   How can you look at some of the people you see in Wal-Mart and still believe in Intelligent Design?

   This has not been a good time for crzed dictators. First Saddam, then Osama, Charlie Sheen better hide!!!

   Scheming and presenting an outward appearance of good while concealing its opposite...... The sign of the hypocrite.

   The playground for success is a mere paradox to the reality in which we live

   I'm all for abstinence to prevent teen pregnancies and all...But I really do believe that if I would've gotten laid when I was in High School my grades would've been alot better.

   So facebook is down for a few hours. I bet this will be the most productive business day in years.

   Me: Hold still,,, All I'm trying to do is wipe your nose.... Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*

   When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment .... NOW I consider it a mini vacation.

   Apparently,,,, The first rule of Fight Club is to get caught looking at another woman.