Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Fun fact: In Mountclair Ca. it's now illegal to cross the street while talking on a cell phone. 
Actually, officer, I prefer to think that weed smells like me.
And then my moral compass passed out.
How many people with ADHD does it take to change...... ooh butterfly
My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. "I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide."
28 inches. I used a tape measure between the sink and the dishwasher. However my son believes it is on the other side of the planet.
In hell people take ALL of your tweets seriously
Sometimes I just want to be taken seriously; other times I just want to be taken, seriously.
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
OK. So Donald Duck never wore pants, but when he steps out of the shower he puts a towel around his waist. What's up with that?
If you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came, then your probably a alcoholic.
Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because your special!....or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on.
I like robo calls. I get to make up new cuss words.
Dec.05 Repeal of prohbition day..... I'll drink to that.
When it comes for the New Year's count down, raise your left leg. That way you'll start the New Year out on the right foot.
t takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
If some of you people are giving up booze for January, but still want those lovely pubs to be there when you get back, some of us real heroes are just going to have to buckle down and do your drinking for you. Don’t thank me. It’s what I do.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window
It wasn’t the hundreds of selfies with snapchat filters that bothered me that much. It was the fact she actually had bunny ears and freakishly oversized eyes when she showed up to dinner.
Life is like a box of chocolates you never know which one you going to get, if you can't follow directions and just look at the little chart on the back of the box. 