Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I'm going to Skype call that radio psychic.... RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you're on the air...... ME: HOLY CRAP !?!

   .... In a world collapsing ..... What do YOU prefer? ...... Comforting LIES .... Or .... Unpleasant TRUTHS?

   It's Facebook, not Time Magazine. We don't need to see your entire life in pictures.

   Only you can prevent bathroom selfies.

   Evan McMullin, Gary Johnson and Jill Stein walk into a bar. No one recognizes them or offers to buy drinks.

   Sausage Party is expected to break the box office record for R-rated animated movies, which currently stands at $800.

   Things I Have Going For Me: I farted just as my boss walked out of the room so everyone thinks it was him.

   I didn't even know I liked water polo until I saw the women's uniforms. :P

   The Burger King Whopperrito, because it's time to face your crippling depression head on.

   Those credit card companies are pretty tricky hiding the security code on the back of the card.

   Every time a fat girl posts a picture of herself on Facebook with two skinny girls it always looks like a Wilson Phillips album cover.

   Not only would I vote taco trucks on every corner, I'd vote for one in my living room.

   Chris Brown allegedly pulled a gun on a woman. I'm shocked because he said he was sorry when he beat up Rihanna.

   In the future, everyone will have 15 minutes of blame.

   If Matt Lauer asks Tim Tebow about Aleppo it could break the internet.

   If this store knew anything about marketing there would be a wine display in the back to school supply section.

   When deaf kids sign curse words, do their parents threaten to wash their hands off with soap?

   I hate when I have to fake my own death to get out of a family function.

   Just saying if the NFL has any balls at all, Corey Feldman will be the Super Bowl halftime show.

   One fun thing about parenthood is being woken up at 5:30 AM on Saturday to discuss Halloween costumes with a 4 year old.