Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew the honeymoon was over when she texted from the bathroom to bring her toilet paper.

   "Braindead" is a new show on CBS about Aliens who invade the U.S. Capitol then seek to eat the minds of our leaders in order to inhabit their bodies. Those poor Aliens. They're going to starve if they're trying to find brains in Washington DC.

   Harley Davidson should make motorcycles specifically designed for environmentally conscious owners experiencing midlife crisis.

   I've got 99 problems and all of them are luftballons. Why oh why do I have so many luftballons?!?!

   Yahoo's search engine is just two drunk guys leaning out a third-floor window accousting passerby with your questions.

   The garbage man is late. I think he's been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.

   Find an angry person at the bookstore. You can't.

   It’s Fourth of July weekend, or, as I call it, Exploding Christmas.

   Don't use alcohol to solve my problems but when I'm drunk I'm an expert at solving yours.

   The FBI owes General David Petraeus an apology. Heck ... What's good for the Goose ... is also good for the Gander.

   Some guy called my girlfriend "ma'am" so now everybody's night is ruined.

   I used to dream of that fairytale kind of love. Now I'll settle for someone who'll gain weight faster than me.

   We didn't have presidential candidates like this back when people could smoke at their desks.

   Our kids will never know the terror of calling a crush and having a parent answer the phone.

   Third Child: Plastic grocery bag filled with one diaper, a half eaten cracker, and a flask.

   Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?

   I'm almost positive that Mona Lisa is smiling because she just passed gas and got away with it.

   I made this huge To-Do list for today. Guess my next job is gonna be who is gonna do all this stuff.

   You know you had a long 14hr night at work, when driving home you have to swerve to miss a tree,. Then realize it's an air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror.

   Sarah Palin not asked to speak at the Republican National Convention after discovering she doesn't have a passport to leave Alaska.