Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, my bad. It's Ash Wednesday, with an 'h'... Sorry, honey. You can go back to sleep.

   Woman claim that they are good at multitasking. If so why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time

   I've been married for 14 years. The bad part, I don't recall ever breaking two mirriors.

   i wish I was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo

   Show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist Plot.

   [boiling pot] Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

   I just threatened to stick my toes in my husband’s beer in case you thought I’m normal in person.

   I got a restraining order from the Costco bagel sample lady.

   Does everyone have that neighbour who fixes his car every weekend, even though nothing is wrong with it? That’s twitter in human form.

   Threesome? No, thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd have dinner with my parents.

   Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview? My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

   If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

   Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

   Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

   I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

   Why don't top sheets have a fitted bottom so that mf'er stays tucked in?

   Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”

   The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me $300.

   *At Super Bowl Party Sunday* Hey honey, they've got a WHOLE bunch of jumbo shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

   If coronavirus isn't about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it