Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does the 30 minutes before work go by so fast, causing me to be late. But the last 30 minutes go by slow, causing me to be pissed off.

   It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.

   Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

   My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce.

   making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions

   -- My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said..... "We need to talk about our future."..... I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be f***ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"...Needless to say - I'm now f***ing single !

   I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.

   Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.

   Im starting to believe that PMS stands for - penis must suffer :(

   , I asked my husband: "Do you want dinner?" My husband said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."

   wonders if Lil' Wayne will hear "lick it like a lollipop, son" now that he's in jail.

   It's gotten so bad here I can't remember the last time I made it past the first page.

   Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.

   Starbucks is banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It's tricky since every Starbucks is 25 feet from another Starbucks.

   Don’t try to rush me while waiting behind me at a Redbox, I will read what every movie is about…twice

   I've already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I'm gonna "come on down" whether they call my fuckíng name or not.

   Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?

   Girls who say "thongs are more comfortable than regular panties" know that all men hear is, "I like things in my butt."

   The girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.

   B*tch, you're not high maintenance. A Ferrari is high maintenance. You're just a pain in the ass, like an old Pinto.