Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well,,, We are Definitely not getting our security deposit back for this planet.

   Antarctica called. It wants it's weather back.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman who didn't get an answer to the question you didn't hear her ask from upstairs

   Generic Frosted Flakes are Oooooooookay!

   I'm sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   No way the Reese's Cups make it till Tuesday...

   The reason you get paid more at a sperm bank than a blood bank is because the sperm is hand made.

   I put the Nicoderm patch on my exhaust pipe & it still smokes. I don't think those work as good as they claim

   If you're going to open a strip club. Don't name it the G spot. Because men will never be able to find it.

   The Pope has now said "there is no Hell". Where am I gonna tell people to go now?

   I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.

   I can’t decide if I should get married again or try to get a blow job from a great white shark.

   Welcome to your 40s. You are no longer the target audience for anything cool.

   "Jesus Loves You" is a great thing to hear in Church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

   I'm as broke as a pick pocket in a nudist colony.

   Blonde girl tells her Blonde friend. I just f cked a " Brazilian " guy. She said " You Slut! How many is a Brazilian!?"

   If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diahrea,does that mean 1 enjoys it?

   The key to happiness is self-delusion. Try not to think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.

   Attention Everyone: Hillbilly is really Re-run. Don't be fooled by Hillbilly's lies.

   If protesting for social justice was good for business, THEN...Kaepernick would have a job! The NFL will soon be in hospice care.