Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to know... when someone says they are going to kick your ass, why do they punch you in the face?

   anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?

   Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?

   Dear Tampax... a few thoughts.. World peace.. Vibrating tampons... you're welcome.

   The Pinky Toe:The most sensitive part of your body when it comes to finding furniture in the Dark.

   Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.

   I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

   I miss the good old days when rock stars abused drugs and alchohol. Now they abuse auto-tune and Photoshop.

   Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"

   I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Microsoft Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my eleven page essay that I swear I didn't make any changes to.!

   We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise, thereby saving a step in the sandwich making process

   happy and I knew it and then I clapped my hand, everyone thought I was weirdo :/

   Some people are wise, Some are just other wise.

   BBC News: Questions being asked why bomb detecting equipment didn't detect fake bomb on board plane which flew from London to Istanbul. Erm, because it wasn't a bomb?

   Tomorrow is the end? Then I call "SHOTGUN"!!

   Jail..the government's way of sending you to your room.

   My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."

   There's no law against sticking to your guns, but make sure you've loaded your brain before you start firing off your mouth.

   If I ever lose a hand I'm definitely replacing it with a single nunchuck on a chain

   I offend people in a nice way