Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"

   I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Microsoft Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my eleven page essay that I swear I didn't make any changes to.!

   We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise, thereby saving a step in the sandwich making process

   If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand then I suggest you cancel that subscription!

   You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?

   Tonight I'm going to have my favorite drink. It's called "a lot."

   So when is this 'old enough to know better' suppose to kick in ?

   I bet Jim Harbaugh used to unplug the Nintendo when his brother was winning.

   To many Generals are taking orders from their privates

   I will take a boring joke here any day over any more Zimmerman p0sts.

   I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.

   Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

   Ever notice it's only "stalking" if the person doing the stalking is unattractive.

   I'm just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman's mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. Time.

   Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.

   I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.

   You had me at 0 mutual friends

   Winning a fight with your wife, is like winning a vacation to Detroit... Don't get too excited

   You play the victim so well, I'm surprise you don't carry around your own piece of chalk.