Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Yeah, I felt bad rejecting her friend request on Facebook, but come on! Isn't it enough that I'm in a relationship with her? Now I got to be her friend too?

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. :(

   One day, the fridge will take revenge on me,.. Every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes and then walk away.

   I usually don't care what people are saying until they start whispering.

   I don't drink about you anymore.

   Hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice... Unless you're in a Mexican prison.

   Thank you: hard shell tacos, for surviving the factory, delivery trucks, and small food stores and then breaking the the moment I put something inside you.

   Does Facebook ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, I don't care who changed their profile picture?

   "Whatcha doin' ... Payin' bills? I'm just gonna lay on top of 'em, K? Oops, I knocked them all over. Let me shove my ass in your face." - The Cat

   I never would've noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back.

   I don't call it being lazy. Using texts to get the kids to bring me up more beer is why they call it a smartphone.

   Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed!

   Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...

   Relying on the government to protect your privacy is like asking a peeping tom to install your window blinds.

   I hate when I'm admiring my good looks from a car's window reflection and the people inside think I'm staring at them.

   The road to happiness begins with a nap. It pretty much ends there too.

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   Whenever I get a message that begins with "Hey Stranger" I know I'm about to be asked for a favor by someone I don't want to help.

   I like the night sky more than anything else in this world, its the only place where chaos is so peaceful.

   I just awesomed all over the place.