Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. :(

   One day, the fridge will take revenge on me,.. Every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes and then walk away.

   I usually don't care what people are saying until they start whispering.

   I don't drink about you anymore.

   Hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice... Unless you're in a Mexican prison.

   Thank you: hard shell tacos, for surviving the factory, delivery trucks, and small food stores and then breaking the the moment I put something inside you.

   Does Facebook ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, I don't care who changed their profile picture?

   "Whatcha doin' ... Payin' bills? I'm just gonna lay on top of 'em, K? Oops, I knocked them all over. Let me shove my ass in your face." - The Cat

   I never would've noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back.

   Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...

   Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed!

   I don't call it being lazy. Using texts to get the kids to bring me up more beer is why they call it a smartphone.

   Relying on the government to protect your privacy is like asking a peeping tom to install your window blinds.

   I hate when I'm admiring my good looks from a car's window reflection and the people inside think I'm staring at them.

   The road to happiness begins with a nap. It pretty much ends there too.

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   Whenever I get a message that begins with "Hey Stranger" I know I'm about to be asked for a favor by someone I don't want to help.

   I like the night sky more than anything else in this world, its the only place where chaos is so peaceful.

   I just awesomed all over the place.

   Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.