Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .Don't mean to brag but I saw the Solar Eclipse today. Went outside, closed my eyes & BAM! Solar Eclipse.....

   Donald Trump is realising that words really do matter. He is becoming more Presidential by the day.

   I haven't seen a lead blown that great since Hillary's 2016 campaign

   I'm not sure who complains more, Hillary or LeBron.

   My friends treat me like God. They completely ignore my existence until they need something.

   Whoever named them "sugar cookies" could've tried a little harder.

   It's social media. Not "I'm a thirsty, gender confused, angry, whiney cry baby" media.

   If hearing “I love you” was enough, we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after

   Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don't go outside.

   I can't wait until having babies goes out of fashion

   Damn it...... I've been eating Thin Mints like crazy and haven't lost a freakin pound?

   I love it when I open the dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat .

   Based on the obnoxious, drunk girl laughter coming from the car in front of me at the drive-thru, pretty sure that guy gets laid tonight.

   Beauty, brains or emotionally stable. You only get 2 guys so choose wisely!!

   I'm way too horny to be this unattractive.

   Girls are not that complicated? Dude, girls are a jenga crossword puzzle combined with a Rubic’s cube strapped on a terrorist who is screaming you in a language you don’t understand.

   I drink a shot of whiskey a day as a toast to the great life I've lived. I finish the bottle for other reasons.

   Nothing!!!!! ~ Women who are FINE

   A smile is like tight underwear, it lifts your cheeks

   Be the reason she gets that 8th cat.