Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you let one of those dancing roadside Statues of Liberty do your taxes... your refund will be a hammer and a bag of tangerines.

   After everything I've been through.... This can't possibly be "as real as it gets"!

   i dont care how much ice cream you have your not gonna put that banana there.

   An apple a day keeps everyone away, if you can only throw it hard enough.

   Psychiatric labels are nice way of sugar coating the fact that some people are just plain a$$holes.

   It's hard to bury the past when you keep digging up old memories.

   My coffee pot screamed my name this morning as it spurted its hot liquid inside the carafe.

   You know you’re ugly, when you can’t even get poked on FB.

   Social media is perfect when you're feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

   Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them.

   A man's home is his castle. Untill the queen comes home.

   Don't change to get people to like you. Be your self and they will respect you.

   The only way a person can lose is if he doesn't try and according to my wife, I'm one of the most trying person she has ever known.

   Man to a super cute air hostess : Whats your name? Air Hostess: Eva Benz Man: Lovely name, any relationship with Mercedes Benz? Air Hostess: Our Maintenance cost is the same

   It's a good thing Apple wasn't in charge of Calender years. Otheriwise We'd all be expecting 2018 and get 2018S instead

   The government and a duck have something in common. They both can stick their bills up their (_|_) :)

   As a country we should let our children lead us into the future. Mine just made a pop-tart sandwich.

   I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.

   How TF is Easter, April Fools, and Rent Due all on the same day?!

   My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"