Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The closest I've gotten to murder is holding cookies under the milk until the bubbles stopped.

   Well, it's about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.

   my doctor: "do you have any pains after sexual intercourse?'' me: "well, they usually don't call back afterwards, and that kinda hurts."

   All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house.

   : Snowwhite sleeps with 7 men, Tarzan is half naked, Cinderella comes home after midnight, Pinocchio always lies, Aladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives 200 mph, That's what they teach us as kids... no wonder we f*ck up sometimes....

   Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate....

   What do you say when an atheist sneezes...?

   dont you hate it when your busy everyone texts you but when your not, no one does....its like they know...

   I identify as a Non-Bidenary. My pronouns are FJB/lets go Brandon.

   Remember the good ol' days when people robbed banks... not the other way around?

   Let's see, which emotional issues shall I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?

   Keep Earth clean. It's not Uranus.

   My new girlfriend said a small d*ck shouldn't be a problem as long as we truly love each other. This was right before she showed it to me.

   When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!

   Can someone get Seal Team Six some round trip tickets to North Korea?

   Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.

   Karen on Facebook says… "Going to the dentist now. Hate having things put in my mouth!!! :(" That's probably why your husband left, Karen.

   In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   My boss yelled at me yesterday "It's the fifth time you've been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it's Friday?"…

   The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.