Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good chance of showers today. -- Bathroom Forecast.

   "Damn girl! I think you're giving me mesothelioma cuz yo ass bestest!"

   Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

   There is a guy here at work that calls me "Chief." There's another guy here at work that calls me "Pardner." I'm beginning to feel like I'm a double-agent in a clandestine Cowboys and Indians war.

   I dropped and broke an egg this morning. Yet another seven years of bad luck with the chicks...

   Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor? Me: Yes, but I don't have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

   I need everyone to reach into the bottoms of your hearts and send me all your love, good vibes and support at this time. Oh and don't worry nothing's wrong, In fact everything is going great! and just figure why wait to ask until things go wrong.

   wife: I want you- me: [takes off clothes] wife: -to do the laundry me: [puts them in washer]

   I'm tired of being the giver in all my relationships and I am going to turn that around starting today. So, what are you going to do for me, Klondike Bar?

   My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

   This Cinco de Mayo, let's party like Mexican rock stars if they existed.

   How many SJWs does it take to screw a light bulb? A: One. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.

   Using "amazeballs" in a status is the best way to let everyone know you dropped out of cosmetology school

   We all name our dogs....But.... Wonder what they call us .....

   Watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. And thougt how easily their entertained. Then realized, I just watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes.

   .....And then it occurred to me, maybe I'M the one with the weird looking nipples.

   :) Why is a hot water heater, called a hot water heater ? Who needs to heat hot water?:D

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. I don't have time for those meetings.

   I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I didn't drive there in the first place. Anyone missing a car?

   Hugh Hefner dead at 91.... =( Good thing he had so many reasons to keep it up for so long