Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got five fingers, and just one is for you.

   I think daylight saving time should start on a friday at 4pm instead of 2am sunday morning.

   A best friend is like a four leaf clover. They're both hard to find and lucky to have.

   I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   I only date girls who like the series "Lost" because they are used to disappointment

   I don't get women. My wife said she bought this lingerie for me, but then got boiling angry when I put it on.

   Whenever I am feeling down I check my junk folder and read all the Congratulations! emails

   My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My Housemaid thought it was a weighing scale. Conclusion: My Housemaid weighs 750 dollars.....

   The most effective way to remember your GF's birthday is to forget it once

   A white lie is like a regular lie except it orders a grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte, with soy milk from Starbucks.

   Don't make me go all shouty capitals on you ...

   I decided to weigh myself this morning when the scale said "Lo". I was ready to get all excited when I realized it just mean the battery! Ugh

   When you use the self-service checkout lanes at Wal-mart, you should get a discount like you do when you buy self-service gasoline.

   Never forget your family... they're the real enemies.

   Show dominance on an airplane by calling the flight attendants bartenders.

   In my future defense, I was not running from the cops, I was running from the cameras

   Popeyes finally added a drink to their $5 meal. Somebody up in corporate finally choked on a biscuit.

   This girl at the bar is winking at me. Now she's using the other eye. Never mind, she's passing out.

   insider trading tip...tomorrow's Energizer & Duracell stocks go down some

   Dance like no one's watching! Just be careful of the creepy guy in the corner with the video camera who hasn't moved all night who wants the make you famous on YouTube.