Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Cured meats taste better than meats that are still sick. 
For Halloween I'm going to be emotionally stable, no one's gonna know its me.
I know what I am going to be for Halloween, I'm going to be drunk. . .
If anyone over tells you your dreams are silly, remember there's a millionaire walking around who invented the pool noodle.
I want to reincarnated as a seagull that flies around theme parks, stealing churros that are absentmindedly being held by toddlers.
Recently learned that it's impossible to make eye contact with a hotel maid while giving her used hand towels.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
I wonder if Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
If a woman is crying and you don't understand why - congratulations! you're a Man now
Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch
To help prevent teen pregnancy. High schools should hand out a C.D. of a crying baby instead of comdoms.
Ths girl tweeted "your adorable" and I tweeted back "no, YOU'RE adorable" and now I think she completely missed the typo
Some guy knocked on my door earlier today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I replied, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
My New Years resolution for losing weight starts in February 2018, January was spent looking for a decent diet plan ! #strong
Boss called and wants a meeting, asks how does 3:00 sound? BONG BONG BONG, silly boss
My wife caught me cheating yesterday. Was a stupid and careless mistake. She said she's never going to play Monopoly with me again
Lets behonest.. Apart from "I love you" and "I miss you" which other jokes do you know? ??
My Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking. So no more drive through KFC. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
I just got the minivan washed if anyone wants to party this weekend. 