Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What the next three generations will be called: 1) Post-millennials. 2) Generation Z. 3) Mutant crabs picking over irradiated debris.

   No, it isn't Maybelline. It's chocolate pudding.

   I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

   Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

   You search and search for that nostalgic early 90's reference and then finally whoomp there it is.

   I missed the MTV music awards! Who won best music video that MTV will never play?

   If I were a dwarf, I’d be Gassy.

   Ive been using the same tube of mascara for longer than Brock Turner was in jail.

   The worst thing about quitting drinking is that I no longer have anything to blame my inappropriate behavior on now.

   When my dog twitches his front paws in his sleep, I like to think he's dreaming of playing the bongos.

   In hindsight life was better when we could only take 12, 24 or 36 pictures at a time and we paid to print them. Even if doubles WERE free.

   The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it's because they're crazy.

   Sometimes I think I'm ready to teach meditation but other times someone honks at me and I scream death threats.

   Pharmacies are like arcades for the elderly.

   No one looks cool waiting for a guy to make them a balloon animal.

   Today concerns where raised when a glory hole was found in a public toilet. Immediately the Police were called and they are now looking into it.

   North Korea only has 28 websites. Even worse, the list includes MySpace & 27 Kim Jong-un fan pages.

   Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin....no matter how epic it is.

   Only recently found out that those fold out tables in the men's restrooms are for changing babies and not for napping.

   Kim Kardashian blames herself for Paris robbery. No word yet on if she takes responsibility for the downfall of Western society.