Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't appreciate how quickly you agree when I admit that I'm imperfect.

   Single woman, 29, into parachuting, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

   Eminem is trending which is a relief because a whole generation of kids now know Eminem is still alive.

   House arrest would be perfectly fine if you could choose the house.

   Trump or Clinton is about as appealing as a Doctor saying "Ointment or suppository?" to me.

   You can tell how rich someone is from their reaction when you tell them you had cheese toast for dinner.

   Imagine the amount of money that could be raised if George Zimmerman volunteered to be the guy sitting on the dunk tank.

   Living in New York City is having constant road rage even though you don't own a car.

   The secret to a happy marriage is to completely master the "I'm listening" head nod while your wife is speaking....

   The Rio 2016 Olympics maintain the Greek tradition of spending way too much money and only working a week every four years.

   No Mom, It's not just a 'phase.' It's really who I am.....

   Go to bed. Go directly to bed. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman who has to pause her movie to help you find the Cheetos....

   Out of everything Johnny Depp has been accused of, his wearing a crop top jersey in Nightmare on Elm Street has got to be the worst.

   Few things are more disconcerting than a damp hand towel.

   Just another Sunday morning that my family won't join me singing "Lord I was Born a Scramblin' Man" while I make their eggs.

   Never mix anxiety medication with alcohol unless you're absolutely certain you want it to work better.

   Recording production standards are at an all time high, while 90% of all music is listened to on smart phone speaker that's smaller than a dime, or earbuds which in most cases fall short of real sonic replication.

   Really want to go on House Hunters and just repeatedly ask, "how many ferret cages you reckon would fit in here?" in every room.

   Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months so they're asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions.